Style Conversational Week 1157: Wishing you grid luck The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over (eww) the week’s new contest and results 275-time Loser Mark Raffman in front of his magnetic rap sheet . Mark introduces himself in this week’s “Meet the Parentheses,” below, and he’s hosting this weekend’s Loser Post-Holiday Party. (Selfie by Mark Raffman) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // January 7, 2016 I ran The Style Invitational’s first backward crossword —“Haven’t Got a Clue” — in December 2006, using a solution to a daily puzzle that had appeared a little while before in The Post and I’d chosen at random. The Post subscribed to the crossword’s syndicate and had already paid for the rights, so I didn’t bother to contact the writer, Paula Gamache — until I received an angry e-mail from crossword constructor Vic Fleming, castigating me for disparaging the work of one of the best constructors around. (I’d said the original clues ranged from “ooh-clever to ah-that’s-funny to nothing-special. This week: Make all the clues ooh-clever or at least ah-that’s-funny, even the little words.”) So I wrote to Paula to make up, and not only was she gracious, but she even weighed in with her favorites among my choices, and went on to choose two other puzzles for me. And I’ve continued to run a backward-crossword contest at least once a year, sometimes twice, since it always draws lots of entrants and lots of good results. Most of the time I used crosswords provided me by Bob Klahn, owner of the CrossSynergy syndicate, who sometimes created a puzzle just for the Invite, and who has a few Invite inks of his own. A couple of times we’ve had a twist in which we shaded out some letters in the solution, so that not only could you create your own clues, but you could create your own grid words as well. That’s what we did last year. But given that The Post just installed Evan Birnholz in the plum post of constructing the big crossword that runs every Sunday in the WP Magazine andonline, I was delighted that for Week 1157, he agreed to let us use one of his own, smaller puzzles featured on his website, Devil Cross . (Evan isn’t putting up any new puzzles there for now, so he can devote more time to his Sunday gig, but you can look at more than 60 earlier ones there.) *If you’re entering this contest (especially if you’re new to the Invite): * Keep in mind that we’re running a joke contest, not a puzzle contest; and the goal isn’t to put together a doable crossword. In fact, I probably won’t be running a clue for every word in the grid (while I well might print three varying clues for the same word — whatever’s the funniest). I did make a whole separate set of clues one year and invite people to try to solve it, but it was a big hassle and almost no one bothered anyway. The best way to get an idea of what we’re looking for is to look at some of our many past Invites. You’ll notice that extreme brevity isn’t that important, since we don’t have to fit a clue in for every word. And we don’t use the crossword convention of ending a clue with a question mark to signal that wordplay is involved; with us, that’s pretty much a given. However, the clue should be of the same part of speech as the word; if the word is a noun, the clue is in noun form; if it’s a verb, the clue would begin “to” or have “-ing.” Here are some links to old results (scroll down past the new contest to see the results): Week 691, the first contest (a text file) Week 953, 2012 Week 1052, 2013 *Hey, wait, this contest doesn’t even NEED a grid, right? * Absolutely true. It’s just a novel, eye-catching format. If it’s easier for you just to make a list of all the words and work from there — sounds like a good plan to me. In fact, I can almost guarantee that some altruistic Loser out there will compile such a list within a couple of days and post it on the Style Invitational Devotees page in Facebook, right under the link to this week’s Invite. By the way, given that so many people out there will be writing clues for 25 of the words in this puzzle, there’s a strong likelihood that one or even many other entrants will make the same joke you did. When this happens, I’ll either double- or triple-credit people or choose the one with the best wording. (If four or more people sent the same entry, I’ll toss it, or run it and credit no one in particular, something I’ve done extremely rarely,) Note that the clues, however lengthy and full of wordplay, are all American-style rather than British-style: They’re definitions or synonyms, and they’re of the same part of speech that the words are: i.e., if the word is a noun, the clue is in noun form; if it’s a verb, the clue would begin “to” or have “-ing.” British-style clues are very different, often being a non-definition sentence that includes an anagram of the word in question. Please use American-style clues. *THREES: A SMALL CROWD — THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1153* Boy, I don’t know if we should run this contest again in the same format: comparing two things that have the same three-letter abbreviation. Week 1153 didn’t draw a whole lot of entries, and so little of what came in was very funny, even in a wow-is-that-a-crazy-wordplay sense. (“Kounter Productive Attitudes is a tech company, maybe it insures gentry, the Korean Peoples Army sent injuries, and the Karen Peace Army is for insurgency.”) Maybe it was just that it was a busy season and people didn’t want to keep clicking on Wikipedia links of “TLAs.” But it seemed that even the wiliest wordplayers were stretching awfully hard. I’m happy with today’s inking entries, but also happy that we have a nice big crossword grid on the page, as well as a sizable Solar Buddha. (That thing is great, by the way — it’s on my desk right now, nodding and waving away, even on a very gray day. And it’s about as big as your hand. Thanks again to prize donors Roy and Inge Ashley.) Chris Doyle wins the contest for the 342nd 51st time, for a total of 36,782 1,748 blots of Invite ink. Recent Fixture Jon Gearhart gets his third runner-up prize and an honorable mention that might push him up to the 50-ink milestone. Jeff Contompasis edges ever closer to the 500 inks that will spring open the combination padlock that secures the portal to the Hall of Fame, and Jeff Shirley adds a 15th piece of runner-up swag. One entry that was going to get ink was this one by Kevin Dopart: The Kalamazoo Public Library and the Korean Peasants League: The second believes that Weeding Is Fundamental. Pretty cute pun, I thought. But, to my total surprise, it was viewed with alarm by several editors, and killed. They were concerned that it would sound like mocking of Asian accents. I argued that it’s R’s and L’s, not R’s and W’s, that get blurred in an Asian accent — and that the Asian aspect didn’t even factor into the joke , that it’s just Librarians vs. Farmers— but no go. Later I asked Loser/ Style Invitational Devotee Diane Wah, who’s of Chinese descent, what she thought about it. Diane offered that “I think it’s just very funny and not at all offensive,” and on further thought, said, “The humor is all the more delicious because the R/W switch can be seen as a jab at those who play on the R/L switch.” But it’s not at all irrational, in this time when there’s so much widespread “shaming” on Twitter, etc., for something that people have decided to take offense at. I can see why The Post wants to avoid such accusations, however unfounded. Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to persuade someone otherwise when someone decides to label you a racist, rape-enabler, etc. *MEET THE PARENTHESES: (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) * /Mark has been a ubiquitous presence in the Invite Losers’ Circle ever since he First Offended in August 2012 with a Way to Tick People Off: “When you’re on jury duty, bring a daisy into the deliberation room and start to pull out each petal while saying ‘Guilty . . . not guilty . . .’ ” Since then, he’s gotten ink almost every week, in all kinds of contests, most brilliantly in song parodies — leading to 276 blots of ink , including 10 first prizes — in just over three years. You can meet Mark and his wife, Claudia (also a Loser), at their home this weekend as they host this year’s Loser Post-Holiday Party (see section below for last-minute details). / /As with the Losers we’ve profiled earlier, Mark modified a suggested Q&A list to fit his humor needs. / *Mark S. Raffman* *Age:* Old enough to know better. *Where you live:* Reston, Virginia. We moved from Maryland in 1993, so by now I’m quite comfortable with “y’all” as second person plural. *Can you improve on your official Loser anagram, “Frank Farm, Ma”?* No, but I’m thinking of changing my name to Lord Damp Nut so I can get a different anagram. *What brought you to Loserdom?* Though I had been enjoying the Invitational for 20-plus years, I didn’t enter until my kids left home and I no longer had a captive audience for my ridiculous jokes. *What do like about the Invite?* I enjoy a fresh challenge each week, and having an excuse to clear the mind. And there’s the validation; I’ve gone from being just a dweeb to being a Celebrity Dweeb among friends and colleagues who read the Invitational. *Some favorite entries?* I seem to have made a second career writing song parodies to “Be Our Guest,” taking on adolescent movie fantasies (”See a Chest”), Bibi Netanhayu (”He’s a Pest”) and the Trump campaign (”He’s Obsessed!”). But my favorite all-time entry was from Week 1108 — a fictional valentine that was too blue for the ’Vite but won a Scarlet Letter here in the Conversational (so be forewarned!). /For the postman:/ Not rain nor snow nor sleet nor hail Can keep away my favorite male So here’s a love note for the hunk Who each day stuffs my box with junk *What’s an example of something that confirms your Loserosity? *When my kids were young, we used to compose group limericks on long car trips, each person taking the next line. We found there are a lot of words for poop, and even more words that rhyme with those words. *What do you do when you’re not composing Invite entries?* I practice law, play blues harmonica in an oldies rock band, and watch a lot of hockey with my favorite Caps fan, my wife, Claudia. Last year I wrote a screenplay that nobody will ever read, and if this year goes according to plan I will write a musical comedy for the same audience. *What are your Invitational goals?* I’d like to be the youngest, sexiest member of the Loser Hall of Fame. /[The “youngest” part isn’t gonna happen unless Brendan Beary is banished for using limerick-enhancing drugs and Jeff Contompasis quits the Invite with 12 inks to go. The other element is still in play. — The E] / *Do you have any decent stories?* I had one line to deliver at my wedding, and I muffed it. Also, I once held a door open for Al Gore (then Vice President), but did not recognize him. It’s a good thing the Empress judges our entries anonymously. *What is your favorite color?* Oh, um, uh, aaaargh ... ------ *LAST CALL FOR LOSER PARTY RSVPS: * Now that you know Mark from his bio, wouldn’t you like to sneak a look into his medicine cabinet? We’re up to 52 guests for the Loser Post-Holiday party this Saturday evening, Jan. 9, at the Raffmans’ house in Reston. There will be numerous Names People Recognize in attendance — Jeff Contompasis, Nan Reiner, Elden Carnahan, Mae Scanlan, Roy Ashley, Barbara Turner, Chuck Smith, Danielle Nowlin, Rob Cohen, to name a few — along with people who are attending their first Loser event, including some just-fans. And of course I’ll be there too. There will be brand-new song parodies! It’s a potluck; bring whatever you like. Contact me at pat.myers@washpost.com for the address. -- *OOH, REMEMBER WOULD-BE SEN. LOSER? * A few months ago we gave away a campaign tote bag emblazoned “Loser for Liberty,” promoting the campaign of libertarian Carl Loser for a state Senate seat from the Richmond, Va., area. We even sent him a Loser Mug. Well, he didn’t win. But Loser (rhymes with “hoser”) did get himself back in the news this week, when he was charged with assaulting a police officer by rolling up his car window on his hand “after debating a speeding ticket,” according to the Richmond Times-Dispatch . But he’d already had amug shot in the paper.